Outback

G’day everyone! I’m Homie! I’m your home homie named Homie and today I’m takin’ the bus to the land down under! The Peepys and Ouiouis are still unaccounted for, but I’m on the case! I’m determined! I’m relentless! And most importantly, I’m hungry. So we’re gonna be searching at one of my favorite corners of the earth. The kangaroo-adjacent steakhouse!

This mysterious place is a mix between a medium-speed food restaurant and the Australian embassy. There’s dingos, there’s beefs, there’s ample parking and now there’s me. I have been seated at the first available booth and am awaiting service. A quick look around and I see no Peepys, but they’re tricky creatures, they might be in disguise.

Alright, my waitress is a nice lady named I forgot and apparently it’s a good day to mate. Australians always say that. Upon close inspection of the menu, I believe the onion flower is crucial to our investigation. One of those and a lemonade. It’s for official business.

Yep. I’ve ordered. Nothing to do but wait. The ol’ restaurant staredown. In the olden days, I hear this is when most western showdowns happened. A long wait for the tacos, desperados get ornery, soon you’re shootin’ six in the parking lot cause you’re hangry. That’s why cowboys mostly disappeared when smartphones arrived. And now you know.

Oh. Oh they think it’s my birthday. Why do they think it’s my birthday? Hot dog, they’re gonna sing!

They’re bad. They’re so bad. How are they this bad? They sound like a drunk llama got a bagpipe. Good gravy! They can’t be this bad by accident, there had to have been rehearsals! ‘No, no, Bob, you were too close to being on key, sing like you just saw a bear’! Do they hire for this? Are there reverse chorus classes?

Hey, the onion flower arrived! They brought it out with yummy sauce and everything! Real good, real good. …But I keep thinking about the singers. How did they do that? There was a song somewhere in that and they just avoided it like it was lava.

The Peepys aren’t here. If they heard that, something would be on fire.

This is Homie signing off. I’m getting these to go and turning the radio up real loud. I don’t know if I have ears but I’m not sure I want ‘em now.